Lasting Memories: Picture day at School
From the editor: For those who came to this page from the front page of the Globe, the answer to "Can you spot the world leader in this photo?" is:
Bottom row, third from the left, next to the teacher...
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Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Even though I hate them, I just ordered a whole bunch of school pictures of my kids. Again.
One thing I love about university is that there is no longer a picture day. My two oldest will never again bring home that huge envelope with the small strip of pictures glued to the side.
I want to meet the kid whose parents buy the deluxe package. You know, that package which includes a 36 by 42, ten 5 by 7's, fifty 3 by 5's and 200 mini postage stamp sized pictures. That's got to be one photogenic kid.
I always tick off the cheapest box. The one that comes with only two teeny pictures, and a vow to torch the negatives.
Or maybe it's just my kids who suddenly forget how to smile like a normal person, and their hair gets all independent and decides to look too long and even a weird colour. Just for the their school photos, of course.
"Did you make that face on purpose?" I asked my son David last year.
Apparently it's a crime to look happy in public when you're in grade seven.
"What do you mean, on purpose?" said David, peering more closely at the strip of three sample shots. "That's my face. Do you want me to go to the retake?"
Ah, the 'retake.' Every mother's dream. But the reality is, I'm almost positive they won't do a reshoot for stuff like, "my kid just looks weird." Apparently it has to be something a little more concrete.
Like their eyes being closed in every single shot. Or half the kid's face is missing. And he actually, you know, has a whole face in the real world. Though they might demand proof of this since a retake is a pretty rare and special event.
So unless it's technically somehow the photographer's fault, I guess, they won't redo a photo session just because a mother insists that her kid is much better looking than that. And doesn't normally look like he's about to burst into tears. Really.
I have tons of great pictures of my kids from our summer vacations, Christmas, birthday parties, and all kinds of important events. But unless it's me taking the picture, somehow they never look as good as I know they can.
This might have something to do with the fact that as their mother, I can tell them stuff like, "Stop smiling like somebody's poking you in the back with a fork!"and "Are we going to have to stand here all day?
Because you know I will!"
I think school photographers should invite parents to attend the picture taking session. Then we could stand to the side and make helpful suggestions. You know, stuff like, "Are you trying to look like a weirdo? Smile at the man, for heaven's sake! Sit UP! Sit DOWN!"
Who else but a parent can say, "For god's sake, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND TRY TO LOOK HAPPY FOR TEN LOUSY SECONDS!"
My two youngest never comb their hair. But last year they decided to make their hair look 'fancy' for Picture Day, which meant wetting a comb and running it through their hair until it was completely slicked back.
They both ended up looking like farmers on market day from the 18th century.
I did try explaining to my sons that maybe it wasn't the look they should be going for. And how just once I'd like to get professional pictures that are nice enough to send to my sisters and grandparents.
But no, it's their body, their hair, their choice, blah, blah. This generation has become way too empowered.
My two little nerds got on the school bus that morning, so chirpy and confident in their handsome hair-dos they even said, "Good morning," in unison like two little Stepford children, to their startled looking school bus driver.
Even though I rarely like any of my kids' school pictures, I still always agonize over what to do when it comes time to order them, though.
It feels wrong not to get at least a couple of copies. It means having a record of what they looked like, each school year, when they sat down in front of a total stranger for ten seconds as he took their picture.
I always love the class pictures, though. The one where the teachers are standing with the kids. David and Michael will point to every single kid's face in the picture, explaining and sharing every single fact they know about that child.
"He sits three seats down from me on the bus. He's really nice. One time he said my bread looked funny at lunch time."
I can always tell which girl David has a crush on in his class, as it's always the one girl in the class picture whose name he somehow can't remember.
"Who is that, David?" I'll ask, forgetting for a second why he hasn't said anything about her yet. Then when his face suddenly turns beat red and he says, "Uh, I don't know who that is," I always remember. Oh yeah, that's the one he likes. Really likes.
And why can't these school photographers at least have a comb or brush at their sittings? Then he could hand it over to those kids who really need it. Come to think of it, maybe some spare clothing would help too.
That way, if a kid is wearing the kind of t-shirt that says "my mother forgot today was Picture Day," the photographer could say, "Hey, wanna borrow this?"
We all have those same Wal-mart Christmas pictures from every year with the same backgrounds, so what's wrong with all the kids having the same t-shirt on in their school photos?
Actually, forget back up clothes or offering them a comb or hair brush.
I think school photographers should bring some live models with them.
Some perfect looking kid who can sit in for the rest of our children.
KATHY DOBSON 
Comments
great article. Should be "beet" red though, right?
hilarious article - I look like a weird little creep in most of my school photos too. In this digital age, why are there still school photos? These kids are the most well-documented generation in history!
@ Paige. Yes. you're right. Now my face is beet red.
I pretty sure the retake photos don't require anything special. They want to take more pictures. And photos are cheap to produce in large quantities really - even if you pay only for the cheap box you are surely paying more than it would cost to DIY.
Nice story, if only the basic premises were grounded in reality.
I like the group shots and storytelling of such things as well. But I can't understand the neurosis about your kids hair being perfect. Who cares?
comb/brush = lice
Thanks for the laugh, Kathy!
i think my class pictures were a waste of money. i dont think i am going to get alzheimers.
Well those school pictures from way back were really interesting. My dad was a teacher and when he was in his 80s happened to run into a man he had taught one of the first years he was teaching -- and the man was over 60 himself. One of them, don't know who, had a class picture from then and they had a great time looking at it and remembering.
Gee whiz; how did the teacher manage to maintain discipline and keep the kids focused with such a large class? :-)
oh Kathy, my 6th grade school photo has me with a full set of braces, pimple and for some reason a bunch of hair just kind of sticking up. I look so weird! I can't believe the photographer didn't tell me my hair was sticking up. I guess they got a laugh out of it...
@ Eri
Oh Eri, now THAT kind of picture of one of my kids I would treasure forever! I bet even you have to admit today that it's cute, right? :)
Ha! Stepford children! Hahaha.
Very funny post Kathy. It brought back many memories...of my pictures AND my kid's.
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