Beware the free food
I wandered into the office of the Ubyssey last week, enticed by promises of free snacks. Before I had time to get my bearings, I'd been coerced into drawing an editorial cartoon. I explained that my efforts would never produce something on par with one of the masters of the genre, but staff members - a hardy race of dwarves who dwell in the subterranean bowels of the Student Union Building - assured me that they had the lowest expectations. Literally any two-dimensional figure would do. No Ubysseyan is capable of holding a pencil, their hands having grown knotty and crabbed over years of typing editorials and forging blades of legendary power. Thus the need, occasionally, to steal away mortals from the Realm of Men. I was ready to bolt for the door, until I learned that my labours would be rewarded with taquitos - crisp, savoury pastries prepared by the basement folk on festive occasions. The scent of microwaved bean-paste filled my nostrils. There was no choice but to stay.
It seemed like I stayed there for only an hour. But when I emerged blinking into the daylight, gray whiskers reaching down to my midriff, I realized that nearly a week had passed. Time works differently in the Otherworld than in our mundane universe. That's when I understood, to my horror, the true purpose of the free snacks. I had dined at the table of the Gentry. Never again would I be able to return fully to the human realm. I was destined to become one of the knoll folk.
I'm sure I wasn't the only one to fall prey to such a trap. During these first couple weeks of classes, it seems as though the campus is full of people recruiting. Fraternities set up tents, offering students the opportunity to purchase friends on the go. Clubs (but, disappointingly, no Lodges) try to entice new members. Diverse sects (and, perhaps, some cults) hand out pamphlets and cards. I got one the other day that informed me "God is better than Sex." Turns out I had it wrong all along.
For the very first week, the Student Union Building was a sort of bazaar. Every time I passed through, phonemongers would try desperately to sell me a new three-year plan. Wizened women in brightly-coloured scarves proffered student lines of credit. Portly, loquacious merchants hawked UBC t-shirts to passersby. It was a gaudy and frantic scene, filled with the sort of crass consumerism that would have disgusted me in my teenage punk days. I've long since surrendered my pride and liberty to the mighty dollar, however, and the spectacle of thousands of my peers lapping up the excretions of Moloch seems only natural - comforting, almost. I myself plan on visiting the Imaginus poster sale this afternoon, and buying decorations for my room. Something "fresh," like a poster of Bob Marley, or a print of "Crazy Stairs."
It's not all buying and selling, though. There have been numerous opportunities to indulge in free hot dogs, hamburgers, and other delights. Last week a man showed up in my neighbourhood and began grilling. Within minutes, denizens of the area were lined up around the block, each patiently waiting their turn for delicious charred meat. Even in the 21st century, we're ruled by a mead-hall mentality straight out of Beowulf, a hunger for the communal carnivorous experience. If you grill it, they will come. I didn't realize how many people lived in Fairview Place until the free barbeque. I haven't seen most of them since. I can only hope for their sakes that the meat wasn't tainted with the same fairy magic that has made me a slave to the Ubysseyan Underlords.
The start-of-school fervour is dying down now. Already life is becoming routine. I'm more sleep-deprived than I have been in ages. Most of my classes start in the morning, and most of my drinking starts in the afternoon. Sleep usually happens very late at night, sometimes suddenly and without warning. Pretty soon I'll have to break the pattern and start behaving like something closer to an adult. Sleep deprivation leads to physical and emotional stress, and do you know what those lead to? The dread Pig Virus, that squealing plague that threatens to swallow our civilization whole. Everywhere there are hand sanitizers and posters warning about associating with the wrong microbes. My irresponsible behaviour could give the plague a toehold, allow it access to the delicate microsystem of the UBC campus. Soon, students will trot about on all fours, rooting behind trash bins for scraps, bathing in mud and feces as protection against flies and the hot sun. Spoiler warning: It will be Animal Farm reversed. Next year, maybe they'll serve pork chops at the first week barbeques.
Tagged with
week,
food,
student,
campus,
first,
recruit,
free,
groups
| 
BRYCE WARNES
Comments
So, you are already dropping acid? I don't know what to make of this post. My only real comment is that the writing leaves much to be desired. As "Suggestion" ironically suggested in your "Mainland Bound" post, stop trying to sound like you are smarter than what you really are. Most of what you wrote was junk. I hestitate to use this phrase because its over-used, but try to keep it real.
Hey, be kind. If first-year uni isn't the time for tumbling among the thorns and roses of life, and encapsulating same in florid prose, then when? All the time in the world to simplify both the experiences of life and the retelling of it.
By now, everyone knows that the blogosphere never forgets. I think, however, that that's infiltrated the psyche of the young, and is a gamble they're willing to take: air out the laundry! If it's your truth of the current moment, own it! My only caution would be that your future employers may also be reading this, years down the line.
Above all, keep writing. You never know where it will take you.
Lucy, just because Bryce's commentary was too verbose for you to understand doesn't mean that it's nothing more than "junk". I found this particular entry to be both interesting and entertaining.
Bryce -- keep up the good work! I really enjoy your writing style.
--Washington Irving
If Hunter S. Thompson was really into Tolkien... I liked it. I don't know why these blog commenters think they have the right to critique your choice of words like a bunch of conceited english profs. If you don't like it, go somewhere else.
lucy, it's alright, you didnt get it. just read it over again i'm sure you'll get it the third or forth time. sound out the big words if you have to.
Good job Bryce! (/^o^)/naomi
lucy's obviously assessed everyone's intelligence and compared it to their writing style and she therefore has the right to tell people not to attempt to sound smarter than they really are
i think lucy's just a lonely little wench who can't get laid
I am in agreement with Lucy. There are times when an escape from the rudimentary language of the popular press is refreshing(see Rex Murphy), and then there are times when it is downright tiresome; this article was a case of the latter.
There is not much in the content of the article to comment on. That we are commenting on the style and diction of the article and not the content betrays something about it.
Keep writing Bryce, you write with a precarious but rewarding style; this article was too far over.
@ mike
Only on the internet do we get to see such vulgar and idiotic 'reasoning' as yours. Grow up.
@ Bryce, I remember writing like this in first year, and being shocked when I received my first graded english lit paper. The prof had called me on my effusive Grande Language and pointed out that it was a substitution for the challenge of rigorous thinking & eloquent (clear) writing. It took a while for me to get over what I thought was an insult, but I eventually realized it was one of the most important interventions in my writing life.
Good luck, brother.
I have great memories of many things from university, but my involvement at the Ubyssey holds a special place. My Ubyssey friends are still my friends today (and I'm getting old). Enjoy these days, bro.
Bryce - Love Dead Kennedys, but I'm pretty sure they had disbanded even before you were born. There are worthy bands to link to that were playing during your 'teenage punk days'.
Remember that, if nothing else, Ronald Reagan made punk rock relevant. No surprise there was a revival in your teenage years with George W Bush.
This article desperately needs application of the K.I.S.S. rule.
Keep
It
Simple, Stupid
:)
Funny article! I still have my free food radar on, although I have never actually had to do anything for food - yikes. I've definitely gone to my fair share of art openings and eaten cheese and wine for dinner.
Looking forward to more of your articles. The whole point of the blog is that we are looking for the views of an undergraduate, not a middle-aged Pulitzer Prize winning journalist. I thought your take was fresh, funny and provided a unique point of view - great work!
Getting old is only in our mind.
Age never prevented people from doing things:
http://www.whatwasdone.com/
Great writing ! Apparently we're supposed to learn at least one skill in college. Keep up the good work, you're about to master one.
It's a good article, it has both good form and substance (considering the topic), I mean, what else can there be written about your first university impression, mine was almost exactly the same, including my stay at Fairview Cres.
One thing is clear from this article: you're cut out for the Ubyssey. It'll be good for you. Write some features, some culture reviews, get the words out and then try some news. That'll help. Just don't forget to learn some things from the smart people there. Many of them went on to do awesome things in journalism, once they'd learned how to edit.
I like your blog. It's ripe with freshman life.
Great writing! I think Bryce wrote true story but wonderful like terracotta warriors.
Leave a Comment
You can use basic HTML tags: i, em, strong, b, u, a, pre
All fields are required.